


Breaking through

by Darkspirit



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Being Lost, Family Feels, Feelings, Friendship, Gen, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Manipulation, Mind Manipulation, Nightmares, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 01:57:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18294539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkspirit/pseuds/Darkspirit
Summary: A Diamondless pearl reflects about her master, her past and the future in her new life on Earth.





	1. Of past images and diverse opinions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Monochromely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monochromely/gifts).



It was midnight. It was midnight and everything was tranquil, or as tranquil as she could want it to be.

White Pearl -or should she call herself Pink Pearl? But her Diamond was gone, so it didn’t matter. But she wasn’t working for White Diamond anymore- anyway, White Pearl was in the little balcony of the beach house, looking at the stars and wondering. Wondering what exactly? Well, if someone asked her, which always made her nervous, she’d say that there were too many things to wonder about.

Her old life, her new life, her purpose as a Pearl, the actions of her Diamond, the friends and enemies she made on Earth. Stars, she had missed on so many things related to Pink. She didn’t know what to do to make up for not being there for her master, even when Steven -Pink’s son- told her that there was no need to feel bad or worthless about it. That it wasn’t her fault. However, the more she thought about Pink’s decisions, her new name -Rose Quartz- and what she had been through, the more guilty she felt.

She should’ve been there! She should’ve helped her Diamond with the rebellion, the war, her decision to go against the other Diamonds! But she couldn’t! No matter the danger, how crazy those ideas were, how reckless it would be to stop Earth’s colonization, it was her duty to satisfy Pink Diamond! Because if she can’t make Pink happy, then who she was?

What was she for?

Again, a wave of confusion rammed at her. Pink Pearl didn’t know why and even talking to the others, the Crystal Gems who were so close with her Diamond didn’t help. They told her many things about Pink/Rose, good, bad, conflictive truths that made such a mess of her memories about her master.

_“She never told me, us, Ruby and Sapphire, about her real identity. Sometimes I wonder what she cared about most: maintaining the ideal image of herself as the leader of the rebellion to all of her allies, or not wanting the truth and the consequences to get on her way? To be honest, I don’t know If I will be able to forgive, even if she’s gone”_

_“Yo, Pink P, if you want my opinion about the news of Rose being royalty of Homeworld all this time, then I’ll give you the same advice I gave Steven. Don’t let this get the best of you. Trust me, it’s not worth it. Besides, I knew her much later, when the war was over. Wasn’t as involved in all this stuff as Pearl and Garnet and Bismuth, ya know?”_

_“She changed my life. She asked me what I wanted to do with my abilities, that I had the right to decide what to do with my future… And instead of telling me she was Pink Diamond disguised as quartz, she just closed her mouth without thinking how that could make me feel, like with the others? What a Bismuth of a sham, right? I mean, if she’d been honest with us, then at least we would have had something in common, like our disdain towards the other Diamonds. But she didn’t…. Yeah, she didn’t”_

_“It’s been so difficult keeping that secret safe. I knew it was too risky leaving everything behind. There were times I wanted to yell at her, to knock some sense into her head because Garnet, Bismuth and the others were our friends and we were lying to them… And when she l-left, when she fell i-in love with Greg and decided to have Steven… What about us? That was the question I wanted so much to scream at her”_

When they couldn’t help her with the sea of thoughts and questions and doubts about who Pink Diamond actually was, Pink Pearl decided to talk with her master’s human family AND EVEN the acquaintances and friends of the Crystal Gems.

_“One day when Rose and I were having a barbecue at the beach, she noticed the meat was a bit burnt and told her not to lament too much about it, they were still edible. She said they weren’t perfect though and I told her ‘Well if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs’. She liked that phrase and for a good reason. No one is perfect. She made bad decisions and acted selfishly, but so did I and everyone else. Human or gem, we are all flawed, but that makes us more beautiful in so many ways”_

_“I always tried to be what others expected me to. Especially if it was related to my mom. The Crystal Gems thought so highly of her. She was this perfect, caring and compassionate person who wanted the best for everyone. But then the secrets and hard truths came and she stopped being perfect. And that’s fine. I mean, I was mad at her even if she’s not here anymore. She caused trouble, she wanted to escape from a dysfunctional family, she wanted to be free from herself or what the Diamonds wanted her to be. And that desire hurt others even if she didn’t want to. It was hard trying to be someone who in the end wasn’t as great as what people thought my mom was, but I learned it’s ok. I came to terms with it and I know you will too”_

_“I was so devastated and enraged when I heard she had been destroyed. Never in my life, I suspected or imagined she would begin a war against everything she knew because of a… Of a spat with the other Diamonds. Even when I was aware that they had great power, my Diamond’s actions were too crazy or ridiculous to conceive. Je, I still can’t believe I fought her during the rebellion and even tried to kill her own son”_

_“Once I said in front of Steven and the Crystal Gems ‘So thank you, Rose Quartz! You doomed the planet!’ aaaaand almost got punched by Garnet. To be honest, when I received the news, I was shocked and also wanted to say ‘Hey! I was right all along! She DOOMED the planet!’. But it’s not that I was better than her, right? I believed at first that Earth was nothing but a gem-forsaken planet that should’ve been transformed into a colony. At least Pink Diamond found something more worthwhile here than mere resources to expand the empire. And I’m happy to have found it too.”_

_“I used to hate and distrust the Crystal Gems because of being found and kept in the darkness by them after the war. I wanted so much to unleash my rage to have a bit of justice. I didn’t see it was wrong, I didn’t want to accept it as long as I have someone or something to blame for my pain… After helping Steven with the other Diamonds, he told me the truth about her mother. It confused me, I used to work for the Diamonds, for Blue, as you did with Pink, and to know that she started the war and hid her identity... I didn’t know what conclusion I could get of that. Steven then asked me ‘Do you hate me? I’m her son’, and I told him ‘No’. He doesn’t deserve the blame for Pink’s mistakes. To me, he’s my friend and my savior. And…after thinking for a long time, I decided that the Crystal Gems didn’t deserve the blame either. So, I talked to them and we fully forgave each other. It’s funny, right? How things would have changed for the better if being honest had been the first option”_

Pink Pearl sighed remembering everyone’s words and trying to make a solid picture in her mind of her Diamond with all of these opinions and memories. However, the confusion and uncertainty didn’t leave her core. If what everyone said about Pink/Rose was true, whether it was good or bad, then why she still couldn’t let go of the only image she had of her? Was it because she didn’t want to believe them? Was it because Rose Quartz never existed? Was something wrong with her?

She looked at the two photos on her hands, the ones Steven had given her to try to come to terms with the many faces of Pink Diamond. The first photo was actually a portrait drawn by Pearl that showed her Diamond before she decided to be Rose Quartz. The second one was a copy of a picture Greg had of himself and Pink when she WAS Rose Quartz. In both of them, she looked splendid, beautiful, but in the second photo, her smile was wider and more relaxed. Like she had found a treasure.

Pink Pearl wondered what would have happened if she’d been with her master. Would she have accepted the idea of a human lover? Would she have let her Diamond fall in love with one and disappear while having a hybrid baby? Well, of course, she would! If Pink Diamond was happy and sure about those decisions, then her servant should be as well.

But…

What about the pain of losing her?

What about all the times they played and smiled over silly things?

What about being friends, being together?

What about what she would feel?

_“You are a PEARL. A SERVANT. Your only task is to SATISFY, OBEY AND LISTEN to your Diamond. NOT BE CASUAL WITH HER”_

Pink Pearl shook her head after feeling an icy shiver running through her spine. No! Don’t think about HER, Pearl! Don’t do it! It will only make things worse!

After regaining some control over the shivers, she let out a big sigh and looked at the photos one last time before watching the stars. Maybe a bit more of stargazing could give her the answers she needed.


	2. Of broken mirrors and soulless puppets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two gems, a former servant and terraformer, share rotten ghosts from their past on a starry night.

It has been the fifth time. Seriously, the DAMN fifth time! And still, those stupid nightmares didn’t want to leave her alone! If things kept going like this, she would feel her gemstone crack because of the screams and the voices messing with her, and honestly, she didn’t want more cracks in her appearance.

It would only remind Pink Pearl about HER. Something she really wanted to avoid at this moment.

It was so frustrating! She wasn’t even on Homeworld anymore, she wasn’t following HER orders -or to be exact, being controlled by HER- but the sensation of strings in her arms, legs and even mind was still there!

She had tried everything the Crystal Gems and her master’s human family had told her to do: talking with someone -the first and most important advice-, doing relaxing human traditions like painting or singing -it was the first time she did something that was only for herself, and it felt strange-, walking through the beach or the streets of Beach City, watching ‘TV shows’ like Camp Pining Hearts -that super excited Peridot was too enchanted by that-, eating even –‘why eating?’ she asked Amethyst once and she said ‘Cause it’s fun Pink P’. However, NOTHING WORKED!!

She really should’ve declined the kid’s offer of teaching her how to sleep, because at this point it wasn’t only a waste of her time but also hellish torture. For star’s sake, she should’ve said no! But, how to do it with the one person who saved her from eternity as a mindless robot? Steven not only freed her from HER grasps, HER power, HER… HER CORRUPTION! He was also her Diamond’s offspring, he was like her in many ways and wasn’t at the same time. So kind, happy, gentle and sweet. So, how could she say no?

Pink Pearl hugged herself tightly while repressing the hateful shivers that tried to run through her spine. That was another sensation she wanted to get rid of, it was like SHE was trying to get through her and own her in the most vicious ways. Pink grabbed the photos of her master that were at her left side and sighed forlornly. What she would give to be with her Diamond one last time… With her smiles and warmth, the nightmares would go away.

Then she heard the beach house’s door open and turned around a bit alarmed.

-Hey -Lapis said with a sort of awkward smile.

-Oh… -well, Pink Pearl wasn’t expecting a night visit to talk to- Hi… You must be one of my Diamond’s son’s friends.

-You know you can just call me Lapis, right? -the blue gem responded a bit more laid-back.

-Uhh… Yeah, I g-guess.

-It’s okay. You don’t have to say my name if you don’t want to.

If you don’t want to, uh?

_“Your only task is to SATISFY, OBEY AND LISTEN to your Diamond”_

Pink smiled humorlessly.

-If I don’t want to… I feel like I don’t have a choice anymore.

Lapis raised an eyebrow and approached her slowly.

-What do you mean?

-Oh! Uuuuummmm… -what Pink Pearl should say? She didn’t even know what she wanted!

-Don’t worry. I won’t push you -Lapis approached a bit more and smiled at her reassuringly-. Do you mind me if I sit with you? I would like to see the stars too.

-O-Of course. You can -Pink said. Stars, she did never imagine interacting with another gem would be this awkward. Was it another side effect of HER power over her for thousands of years? Or because she only liked talking with her master?

Lapis sat at her right side, in one of the stairs of the beach house. Both looked at the beautiful starry sky for some minutes, the awkwardness dissipating slowly. Pink didn’t know what to say to start a decent conversation. Heck, she barely knew the blue gem. She only saw her when she visited Steven, the green gem -her companion, she guessed- always at her side. Then she remembered what the Crystal Gems, especially the permafusion, Garnet, had advised her: being open is the best policy.

-All of this -Pink Pearl began a bit shyly-. Learning earthlings’ lifestyle, leaving W-White Diamond, trying to be me, starting to do things for me. It’s too…

-Overwhelming? -Lapis interjected.

-Yeah -Pink nodded-. Too much. One moment I was under Pink’s Diamond wing and the other, I am here on Earth. She has a son, she fell in love with a human, she pretended to be Rose Quartz, she started a rebellion to save this planet, she is gone. I didn’t know any of that. I can barely remember her.

-I know you’ve asked me about her a week ago, so this will sound silly but, do you miss her? The person she used to be?

-Yes. I was her first pearl. My only purpose…as any other pearl in Homeworld was to please and obey my Diamond. But…

There was a pause and Pink Pearl grabbed the edges of her skirt while Lapis waited for her to continue.

-But Pink Diamond was different. She didn’t demand obedience and respect like Yellow, Blue or W-W-White. She just enjoyed my company and played with me. To be that casual and tranquil with a Diamond who owns me, that was utterly unexpected and out of line. But I was happy -Pink smiled faintly, reminiscing the old good times-. It was…so strange. I was programmed to serve and dismiss my own feelings, my own wellbeing. And there it was my Diamond wanting to laugh with me, wanting me to be casual with her, to feel like we shouldn’t be ruler and servant, but friends. Like I shouldn’t fear her, just being with her and enjoy our time together -then she bit her lower lip, feeling the moisture clouding her vision-. Of c-course, t-that was o-our biggest m-mistake.

Lapis got worried about her sudden change of mood and approached a bit more without being invasive.

-It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it.

-I will have to, anyway.

-Why? It’s your choice if you want to tell me or not.

-I never had the right to let it out -Pink said trying to retain the imminent tears from falling. She swallowed and continued-. I’m… I was a s-servant. I shouldn’t have been so close and friendly with my Diamond. That wasn’t proper on Homeworld, and when W-White Diamond found out, she took me away from Pink and then… Then I was no more.

Lapis, without Pink Pearl noticing it, felt a rush of seething anger and disgust. Her entire face hardened. She could relate to the kind of despair the pinkish pearl was feeling. She hadn’t been the only one to fall victim of someone’s abuse. Someone’s perverse desire to control and see you as an object. The first person with whom she had the understanding of that feeling was Pearl, even when at first, she didn’t want to accept it due to her resentment. And despite knowing that Pink and White Diamond were too different from each other, that didn’t mean that what Pink had ordered Pearl to do was fair.

However, White Diamond’s actions against Pink Pearl were worse. No, that was a serious understatement. They were unforgivable. Heck, she even used THAT to brainwash her fellow Diamonds and even the Crystal Gems and corner Steven.

-She made you into something you weren’t -the blue gem said coldly, not against the pearl but her former master.

Pink Pearl let out a bitter laugh.

-Being shattered had been a better ending for me.

-…I know how that feels -Lapis confessed.

Pink looked at her, surprised at that revelation.

-D-Do you?

The blue gem could barely believe she was going to tell the worst part of her life story to the pearl of the Diamond who begun the rebellion. She then remembered that she felt the same when telling Steven how she ended up stuck in the mirror, although it was different at that time. Steven freed her, he was kind and forgiving, he gained her trust, and also, she owed him a good explanation after almost accidentally kill him while they were flying over the ocean.

-…Yeah -Lapis inhaled and exhaled deeply before starting-. During the rebellion war, I was attacked by Bismuth and defeated. Then a homeworld soldier found me, thought I was a rebel and put my gem in a mirror. I stopped being a gem and became a tool to end a war I didn’t want to be a part in. I was used, abused, interrogated, then abandoned in Earth for thousands of years. Alone, scared and hopeless. I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was worse than death. Until I met Steven. He treated me as a person, gave me happiness when I was so numb due to the pain, he saved me. If it weren’t for him, I would be trapped forever… Those scars, the ones for being caged and used, for being transformed into an object. Sometimes, they can be so terrifying, no matter how much time passes.

Pink couldn’t contain her surprise towards the information the water bending gem was sharing with her. She had heard from the Crystal Gems many things about her Diamond, especially the ones that came from the war. How Pink pretended to be quartz and save a planet she should’ve colonized, how some of her actions hurt gems from both sides, how despite her mistakes and flaws some people still loved her. But to think that one gem could end up in the same situation than her -well, being trapped in a mirror and being brainwashed were different things, although one could still feel despair and loneliness- because of her Diamond’s decisions, despite the best intentions her master could’ve had…

What she should feel about it?

Should she apologize or still being loyal to her Diamond?

Stars, it was so confusing! SHE controlled her, cracked her, took her away from her master while Pink Diamond was crying endlessly and still, SHE didn’t feel any remorse! And her Diamond, she was so kind and found a home in Earth, but the way she protected it was far from perfect and condemned another gem to a fate worse than death or hell.

-You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault -Lapis said, serious but understanding.

-E-Excuse me? -Pink Pearl asked a bit startled.

-It wasn’t your fault. What Pink Diamond did hurt many people but she didn’t have that intention. Don’t misinterpret me, it’s not that I’m forgiving her, but hating you and lashing out at you isn’t fair either. It won’t change things.

-C-Can I ask you something? -she said shyly.

-Sure.

-Why are you telling me all of this? I-It’s not that you sharing your life with me bothers me or something, just…

-Because, even when we barely knew each other, I understand what you have been through. You miss her, Pink Diamond was very special to you. And now, after years of being prisoner of White’s manipulation, you find out that your master has done many things, good and bad. That your initial and basic image of her has changed and that she’s gone. It’s kind of the same with me. I miss the Homeworld of the past, the one before the war, I was taken away from it, and when I returned… When I came back, it was gone. It had changed so much that it felt like another planet, not the one I was made in.

-It’s hard -Pink murmured sadly.

-It is.

-It’s so ironic too. My Diamond’s actions separated you from your home for thousands of years, even when she wanted to just protect the Earth. While I was stuck with W-White Diamond in Homeworld, in HER grasps and missing the only person I considered my home.

-But now you’re free -Lapis said, trying to cheer her up.

-Yeah… But… Sometimes, I forget who I am -Pink Pearl said, trying again to contain the tears-. Sometimes, I still feel W-W-White Diamond’s power shutting down my mind and making a mess of it. Of me. Even when I’m here, I still can hear her voice and feel my body being controlled like it was nothing. I-I don’t know if I will be able to forget what she did to me.

-You won’t -the blue gem placed her hand on Pink’s shoulder slowly and kindly-. I’m not saying this as if you didn’t have the right to forget. If you want to, you can. But it won’t help.

-How it couldn’t help? -Pink asked confused.

-Because I tried to forget. No, I RAN AWAY. And it only aggravated the problem -Lapis said, her face showing seriousness that kind of worried Pink Pearl. Of course, the water bending gem didn’t blame her; however, she didn’t want the former servant to make the same mistake as her if that monster of White Diamond decided to undo her ‘change of heart’.

Running away, letting your past and enemies have the last word, being crushed by that despair you want so much to be free from. If she hadn’t had the courage enough to face the Diamonds and help her friends, the ones she betrayed by leaving, then coming back, maybe after the conflict, would’ve been an insult for Steven and Peridot. They needed her as much as she needed them, and still, she left. And even when Steven forgave her -thanks the stars for having such a golden-hearted friend- and Peridot and she made amends with each other, she still felt that she should make huge efforts to fix her mess and show them that she would NEVER leave them again, especially her green gem, no matter if they have fully given her a second chance.

-Do you think it can work? -Pink Pearl asked a bit hopeful, a bit afraid-. You know, not forgetting what happened to me.

-I can never forget what I suffered in the war, all those years of suffering. Healing won’t be easy, but I’m not alone. Neither you are. You can start again and create new memories with Steven and us at your side. You deserve it.

Pink thought about it for some time. Her Diamond was gone, she and her master had changed so much, separated from each other, they had been through so much and could never share those experiences with one another. However, the loneliness and sadness that once consumed her after hearing the news of her master’s fate weren’t as strong as before. Pink Diamond would never come back, that’s true. But her legacy was alive and HERE on Earth. Steven, Greg, the Crystal Gems, the people her Diamond knew when she was Rose, all of them were her legacy and they had received her with open, kind arms.

Healing from the horror White Diamond put her through would be difficult. Facing those memories tainted with corruption and manipulation would be hellish. BUT, keeping safe the good times when she and her master enjoyed playing and laughing together and feeling the same happiness with new things to reminisce and with people who care about her as much as her Diamond did. That was something truly worthwhile.

-At my side -Pink Pearl said with a small but hopeful smile on her face-. That sounds nice. Thanks…Lapis -she placed her left hand on the blue gem’s one that was on her shoulder, gratefully.

Lapis returned the smile.

-You’re welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> The comment that came from Greg was inspired from a Steven Universe comic I saw in Youtube called 'If every Diamond were perfect, we wouldn't have Rose'.


End file.
